A step-by-step guide to securing a fun and free night at the largest (and weirdest) private party in Europe
You waited, you yearned, you pined, you prayed to your God or Gods to no avail. No God that I’ve met can surmount the ludicrously complex and often broken inner workings of Ticketmaster, so don’t feel bad, really. There was not much you could’ve done. 8 minutes passed after the clock struck nine, and with that, the tickets, and your plans of finally being able to do drugs in Front Square, crumbled faster than a stale granola bar. Most of the people who went last year I can tell you personally will not be going this year, as buying absurdly priced food and fake pills while being pushed over so many times trying to watch Two Door Cinema Club that you finally resign yourself to crying in a porta-potty you waited 2 hours to use no longer sounds as appealing as it once did. The only people I saw having pure, unadulterated fun at Trinity Ball ended up in K holes within an hour of the thing starting. No wonder people ambulances park outside campus every TBall night.
That being said, if you do want to make it inside the event for whatever reason, you’ve come to the right place. I managed to sneak in last year, mostly because I was driven by my love for Two Door Cinema Club, who was headlining. Not getting tickets for the 2nd year in a row made me angry, anger gets me motivated, which in turn makes me quite a slippery young chap.
There are two ways to sneak into the largest private party in Europe, you can either play hide and seek or dress up. I will explain both in more detail later.
The first step to sneaking in and by far the most vital to both options is 1. Do not leave campus when they tell you to. You must be on campus and already past the first round of security in order to give yourself the best chance. There will come a time around 5 pm on Trinity Ball night where all students who are not ticket holders will be either asked to leave campus or to go back to their on-campus accommodation if they have it. Once students leave, guards are posted at all entrances and around the door to each accommodation building. If you attempt to enter the campus or leave your on-campus accommodation, they will ask for a ticket.
So you’re on campus, and it’s only a matter of time before someone either asks you for a ticket or for you to take your broke ass home. What’s the next step? Well, most would probably tell you to “lock in” in this situation. I’m going to tell you the opposite: get silly and goofy, dilly-dally, do NOT be Mr. Serious. It’s time to play a game, after all, and not the Saw movie kind. That comes once you’re actually in the Ball participating. Let’s begin with the first game you can play to win the prize of a Trinity Ball entry.
Hide and Seek is something everyone has played, but with using the entirety of Trinity campus as an arena of play and having the entire Trinity security staff on the lookout for you, the stakes here are raised. Get caught, and you will spend your evening rotting in bed getting pissed on Lidl wine and watching Derry Girls. If you succeed, however, you will have the opportunity to join your friends watching mid concert acts and maybe, if you’re lucky, you will see Linda Doyle moshing in the techno tent and making out with a first year rugby walk-on. Not only that, you will have saved the 91 euro that the other foolishly law-abiding students gave to Linda Doyle’s evil regime. You are now free to spend that money on either a bag of coke that will barely coat the inside of your nostrils, a watered-down cocktail that the underpaid barman probably spit in, or 2 orders of curry chips from the Eddie Rocket’s food truck that will inevitably end up on any white-coloured material you are wearing. You can also, of course, convince all your friends to just leave and go to Wetherspoons, where you can buy enough alcohol to see God and buy him a beer too. Sounds like real success to me, but I digress.
Anyway, you’re probably thinking: “Fuck spoons! Just tell me where a good place to hide is!” And to that I say: read below.
The bathrooms - Always a good, classic, safe option. Problem is, Trinity security knows that just as well as you do. This can very easily devolve into a game of chicken once the guard catches you: are you going to come out or are you going to dare them to come in? We only play fun silly games here, so this one is probably a no-go.
Kennedy’s lower level - This one seems like a good idea on paper, pregame the ball with your mates and then simply hop over the barrier and boom! You’re on campus. However, the Trinity guards are not to be underestimated. They also know about this manoeuvre and usually post a guard right outside to prevent this from happening. The owner doesn’t like kids doing this either: He got really mad when I tried doing this last year lol.
The play house in the daycare area - Yes, you read that correctly. I know a guy who successfully infiltrated Tball after folding himself up a few times and hiding in here for hours. Sound lad he was, I hope he’s doing well.
The dumpster - Pros: it’s pretty much foolproof. Cons: you will smell like rotten Buttery leftovers for days.
Goldsmith - Let’s face it, if the people who live here probably haven’t left their rooms in weeks, even to go to the bathroom. Why would anyone think they’d leave for a sloppy drug-fueled nightmare populated mostly for first years? It usually avoids the heat for this reason, making it a decent place to hide out. Just make sure you run for the hills if any Goldsmith resident comes your way, as they probably smell worse than those camping out in the dumpster.
Linda Doyle’s big mouth - plenty of room (unlike the play house), easily accessible, easily escapable (she be yappin’ constantly) and in a place that avoids suspicion. Just don’t ask her about Palestine, because then you’ll be trapped forever.
There are plenty of other good places to hide, but I’m not going to do all the work for you. I’m not being paid, after all. That being said, if hiding isn’t your thing, or if you’re just too big to fit in a play house or too dignified to jump into a dumpster or Linda Doyle’s big pie-hole, then I have another game you might be good at. Let’s play dress up!
Pretty much anyone is a few items of clothing away from looking like they’re supposed to be anywhere they’re not at all supposed to be. For example, I know a guy who skips the line at every club he goes to because he wears a pair of headphones around his neck. Nobody even bothers to ask if he’s actually the DJ, but it has never failed. There are plenty of useful disguises available to help you get into Tball, so choose your fighter, as they say:
Trinity Security Guard - This one is pretty complicated, but effective for obvious reasons. You’ll need a reflective vest, a police hat, an official looking nametag, and an intensely cold attitude. Bonus points if you can get a walkie-talkie that spouts gibberish at random intervals. Also, you can totally let in people for free and score all the babes. Be advised: You’ll probably get someone fired.
Trinitone - This one is easy, just wear a tuxedo and act insufferable. Plus, the tux doubles as decent attire for the ball itself. The problem obviously lies in being recognised as not a member of this highly exclusive and distinguished sect of virgins and computer science students (not always mutually exclusive). They might just smell the sex on you, you sexy bugger.
Bar Staff - This one is really not that hard, all you would really need is black pants, a white shirt, a nametag, and a killer customer service voice. It pays to have experience working in a shitty hospitality job, so I'm afraid 90% of the arts block and the business building would not be able to pull this off. Plus, you can totally give your friends free drinks and spit in the drinks meant for people you don’t like. Only con? Working unpaid behind a bar that is slammed 100% of the night.
Porta-Potty - I mean, most everyone is so desperate to use the bathrooms for sex or drugs or panic attacks (never to pee), so they probably won’t notice that you’re just a twisted fucker pining for Ball entry. I hoped you packed your coprophilia (look it up).
Jedward - This one is a two-man operation, plus it is extremely hard to nail. Imagine how legendary it would be if you did it, though? (You should). Bonus points if you can get on stage lol.
And so now you know. If you’re still wondering how I managed to get into the Ball. That I’m afraid I cannot tell you. A magician never reveals their secrets. I will say that it involved both hide-and-seek and dress-up, as well as a little razzle dazzle, shake and bake, and shock and awe, as they say. You will also need these tools in order to give yourself a fun (and free) Trinity Ball experience: One that will last about an hour and thirty minutes total once your friends and you realise why most people could care less about the largest private party in Europe. At least there’s always Spoons. Get a grip, buddy, and go where your money is not taken for granted.
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